I’m not the first with this idea. Check out http://themightyadam.blogspot.ca/2010/11/dr-seuss-does-star-wars.html
Thanks to an accidental remark on some social media, I have been stuck working on a non-profit project for the last week. I had to get it finished before anything else could get enough room in my head to grow, so now it’s complete I have nothing to do with it. It’s a rhyming Star Wars, the storyline from Episode Four “A New Hope”, what people of my age still think of as “Star Wars”. It started out in a Seuss fashion, but my head began to hurt and it devolved into doggerel quite quickly.
Please don’t be offended by it, please don’t write to me with ideas about “correcting” lines. The scansion is tough and some words have their natural stresses mangled to fit the meter, but believe me, I spent WAY TOO LONG on every line of this piece. It’s rubbish, but on the plus side, it’s finished.
Star Wars Seuss
A little ship in outer space
It looks as though it’s in a race.
It’s rushing on, out in the lead,
But here comes a very big ship indeed!
The lasers fire, both green and red.
Oh no! The main reactor’s dead!
The Rebel ship was not a trader
so it got stopped by Dark Lord Vader.
The Troopers came
the door they blew
the troopers came in two by two.
The troopers came in two by two.
They shot the rebels – PEW PEW PEW!
The troopers came
They blew the door
The troopers came in four by four.
The troopers came in four by four,
The rebels fell dead on the floor.
The Princess had no time to mope:
Help! Obi Wan’s our only hope!
The captain said “The Princess who?
I really haven’t got a clue.”
Vader said ‘Look, I’m not joking!
Tell me, or I’ll start Force Choking!”
Meanwhile two droids, one big, one small
Release their pod and start to fall.
To Tattooine, all dusty red
No forests, just deserts instead.
They land in sand
In sand they land
With only sand and rock on hand.
Where should they go?
How could they know?
They decide to split up then…oh no!
Artoo’s captured Bzzt! Bang! Zap!
Time to take a robot nap…
He wakes to see his golden friend
Yes, he got caught too, in the end.
The Jawas take droids one and two
To the farm of Owen and Beru.
It’s where Luke lives, though he’s no farmer.
His dreams don’t make poor Owen calmer.
‘Take these droids and get ‘em clean.
We will not ask just where they’ve been.”
But Luke can tell they’ve seen a fight.
Rebellion news makes his eyes light.
Then R2 plays a short, blue clip
And Luke becomes a lovestruck drip.
“Who is that girl? You tell me now!
The bolt is stopping you? Really? How?
I’ll take it off…Hey! Where’d she go?
I think I’ve just been had, you know.”
Artoo escapes that night – he flees.
Just where he goes to, no one sees.
Luke and Droid One go in pursuit.
Perhaps they listen for “Beep! Toot! Toot!”
Tuskens attack! Luke is out cold.
Oh no! But just in time is old
Ben Kenobi, he’ll save our boy.
And he found Artoo too! Oh joy!
They go to Ben’s house and he bores
Their pants off with tales of Clone Wars.
“My Dad was not a knight” Luke said.
“He was, til Vader made him DEAD.
Look, here’s his sword, it’s made of laser.
Not clumsy or random, like a phaser.”
“Learning the force will come in handy
to leave this place so hot and sandy.
I ask you, come with Obi Wan
We’ll take a ship to Alderaan.
They find the slaughtered Jawas first,
And that makes Luke’s nice bubble burst.
“These Jawas sold those droids to us!
Oh this could cause an awful fuss!
If they are after these droids too,
I must warn Owen and aunt Beru!”
Luke rushes back to his homestead,
But Owen and Beru are…dead.
Their bones lie in a smoking pile.
The sight fills Luke’s poor throat with bile.
He collects Ben and Droids Two and One
And says “It’s time that we were gone.
We try Mos Eisley for a ride
To take us all off planetside.”
“Mos Eisley,” says Ben, “A wretched Hive..
The worst scum and villainy left alive.
We must be careful, that’s for sure!”
And Luke, behind him, mutters “Duh!”
The Cantina they enter now
Has been the scene of many a row.
Did Han shoot first? It has been said.
But either way, poor Greedo’s dead.
An altercation soon transpires,
A villain pulls his blaster, fires…
Yet before he can the trigger pump
His arm is off! There’s just a stump.
Ben switches off his laser sword.
The barman meekly mutters “Gawd!
Another mess I must clean up.
Gents, would you like another cup?”
But Ben takes Luke to meet new friends
He doesn’t offer to make amends
Or clean the mess his mayhem brought.
The jedi spare these things no thought.
Luke and Ben meet Chewie and Han,
And ask him to take them to Alderaan.
The price he quotes is awfully high
And Luke’s inclined to say goodbye.
But Ben says “Just take two grand up front.
We’ll add fifteen, see if we don’t.
We’ll pay it when we reach our goal.
I swear it on my mother’s soul.”
Meanwhile, on the Death Star, tempers fuse.
Leia resists all their abuse.
She won’t reveal the rebel base.
Who’d have thought her a hard case?
Grand Moff Tarkin (he’s the boss)
Believes that Vader’s at a loss.
Will Leia say where the rebels have gone
If he threatens her home planet, Alderaan?
Leia’s torn, there on the screen,
Her planet…”They’re on Dantooine”
She’d hoped to draw Imperial ire
Away but Tarkin orders “Fire!”
“We’ll get the rebels later, dear,
But blow your planet up, since we’re here.”
A laser stabs out, vivid green
And dust remains, where Alderaan’s been.
Han’s Falcon races off through space.
Luke learns the Force at a terrific pace.
Han mocks the youth, his words are snide.
He prefers a blaster by his side.
With the mystic Force he has no truck.
He thinks a man makes his own luck.
The force-use lessons are suspended
Just before their journey’s ended.
Ben feels a disturbance in the force.
It’s the death of Alderaan, of course.
They get to Alderaan and see
There’s nothing where it’s supposed to be.
A fighter zips by and they give chase
It’s cat and mouse, a deadly race.
Han says “Don’t fuss, we’ll catch it soon
It’s clearly heading for that small moon.
Ben says with mounting trepidation
“That’s no moon, it’s a space station!”
The Death Star draws the ship inside
But our heroes have had time to hide.
Vader’s troops find no one there,
But Vader gives the ship a stare.
“I sense a presence…Could it be..?
Has he come back at last to face me?”
Vader turns and off he strides
While troopers check the ship’s insides.
When one comes out there’s something strange.
Something’s caused his height to change.
Old Ben sets off with a job in mind
The Tractor Beam he aims to find.
If he can shut it down then they
Can board the ship and fly away.
Artoo tells the others where
The Princess is, but Han doesn’t care.
Luke tells him if they set her free
They’ll be rewarded – pots of money!
They hit the prison level fast.
The troops and cameras – pow! – they blast.
They find the princess, Han thinks she’s cute.
They all jump down a garbage chute.
Ben does his job – the beam is down
Yet something nearby makes him frown.
He turns, his sword out, nothing said.
There’s Vader with his sword of red
Sword of blue and sword of red.
A fight begins, one will end dead.
They trade some words,
They trade some blows.
Though both are old,
their skill still shows.
Han and friends are rushing now
To get aboard their ship somehow.
Luke sees Ben, his friend, in danger
Fighting a black-amoured stranger.
Ben sees Luke and smiles – how strange!
His entire aspect seems to change.
He raises his lightsabre high
He looks as though he’s going to die!
Vader swings, cuts Old Ben down
Behind the mask he gives a frown.
The robe is heaped, the saber’s there
But Ben Kenobi’s body…where?
Luke yells “BEN!” then has to run.
He blasts the door lock with his gun.
They rush onboard and head for space
Has Old Ben’s death bought them some grace?
Four TIEs pursue but get shot down,
Han’s happy, Leia has a frown.
“That was too easy” she opines
“What? You’re crazy!” Solo whines.
But Leia’s right, the ship is traced
Vader watched them as they raced
Off from the Death Star and he vowed
He’d track them down (But not aloud).
The Falcon heads to Yavin Four
The rebel base is there, secure,
But not for long, Darth will attack,
It’s time the rebels fought right back.
They analyse the plans in R2
And then they know what they can do.
“A small ship flies in close” (Wedge laughed)
“And fires a torpedo down a shaft.”
Luke says “Let me! I’ll take the shot”
Han says ‘This life is all I’ve got.
Now, where’s my money? In this crate?
I’m packed, I’m outy, see ya! Great!”
Luke waves Han off and looks glum.
Leia says “Oh, he’s a bum!
Forget him, let’s go kick some butt.
Leave Han to pay off Jabba the Hutt.”
The Death Star looms
The X Wings fly
Who will live?
And who will die?
The Rebel base is on the moon,
The Death Star will be in range soon.
They have to blow it up real fast
Or suffer the super laser blast.
The battle rages cross the skies
Some in x-wings
Some in TIES
Vader goes to join the fight.
Two wingmen make a formal flight.
He shoots down ships with cruel precision
The Force aids each attack decision.
Now only three are left alive
Biggs and Wedge and Luke (Red 5)
They dive in to the trench but then
Here come those pesky TIES again!
Darth Vader shoots and Biggs goes BOOM!
This trench might well become their tomb!
Now Wedge is hit! He flees! He’s gone!
And Luke is left to fly alone.
He can’t fire yet, it’s not quite right…
But he’s in Vader’s target sight!
And then…SHAZAM! From out the sun
It’s Han and Chewie on a rescue run!
They blow up Vader’s wingmen: BANG!
And Vader’s warning sirens clang!
His craft is hit, he spins away.
He’ll live to fight another day.
But Luke is free to take his shot.
He pumps the triggers with all he’s got.
“His shot is good” the audience shout!
Han says “Damn, let’s get the hell out!”
A moment before their laser is fired,
The Death Star explodes…And Moff Tarkin’s…expired!
The rebels cheer their heroes three
Han and Luke and of course, Chewie.
Wedge gets nothing back on the ground.
Maybe next time he’ll stick around?