Category Archives: Uncategorized

Twelve years of Twitter

So, May, 2009. We’d been living in Canada for two months, and only one of those months in our own place. I was still officially a full-time writer, but earning less than a full-time wage. Facebook hadn’t lived up to its promise of making me a household name (other than in my own household), and anyway, we were using Facebook to let our families know how we were getting on in the Great Unknown. And things were, on the whole, quite civilised.

But I didn’t want to be surviving, or getting by. I wanted to be a success, and that meant SALES! Plays or e-books, I didn’t mind which. The only way to really drive sales is, of course, to invest in advertising, while simultaneously working very hard on developing contacts and doing favours for other writers and publishers. Get known as a good person, someone whose opinion is worthwhile. Get word of mouth working in your favour by sending your material out to the right people, but only when they are ready to read it.

This is, of course, hard work and time consuming, and back then we already had plenty of things to consume our time. I remember James Moran, TV writer, Film Writer, and genuinely nice person, posting about how he managed to write the draft of his screenplay that sold (Severance):

“I wrote more than twenty drafts. I would go out to work, come home at night and work. I would work early in the morning and at weekends. I rewrote and rewrote and rewrote until it was right.”

I believed him, because it was the kind of thing I had heard before. Writing is something anyone can do. Making a living from writing is serious business, and not for the dilettante. I knew it. After all, even Sir Terry Pratchett himself had told me as much when I met him.

But I couldn’t shake the thought that there might be a shortcut. Something to get things moving. And so I got onto Twitter. It had only been going three years, but already people were saying that was the place to get yourself noticed. But I don’t have a wide attention span. I kept the number of people I was following pretty low for a long time, so I could actually see what they were posting. Naturally, the number of people following me stayed low too. I tried to be professional to project the image that would sell plays, but it feels dreadful. Surely Social Media should be the one place where you can actually be yourself? If other people don’t like it, there’s a block button! As long as you’re staying within the guidelines of the platform and the bounds of human decency (not always the same thing, obvs) then I say, BE YOURSELF!

And I’m not a salesman. I’m proud of my writing, and I think it’s worth performing. I’m proud to be associated with my publisher, who took steps to be a premier theatrical presence online while others were clinging to print. I’m not ashamed that I juggle, or like Star Wars, or was a Stay at Home Dad for a decade or two. Gradually I have relaxed my need to be professional on Twitter. I still advertise my plays, but I leave comments and terrible jokes, and post pictures of the garden, or the cat, or my latest helmet slightly more often than that.

Twelve years of Twitter haven’t made me a star, but they’ve helped me stay connected to two of my semi-cousins, one in the States and one back in the UK. They’ve allowed me to follow and interact with some authors I would never have the chance to meet in real life, and leave messages for people like my favourite comics artist, Terry Moore.

I was sad when they shuttered G+, because that had brought me a new circle of friends (whom I still chat to through another, inferior platform), and if Twitter eventually goes the same way, I will certainly feel the loss. The short format and chatty style fit into my day much better than the ghastly notion of listening to sound bites (Clubhouse) or watching short videos (TikTok and IG). Call me old-fashioned if you like, but I’d be happy to still be swapping bad puns on Twitter in another twelve years, even if it’s only me and a couple of other people there.

Stupid hobbies again: The Juggling Box

The first plan, taken from my planner.

When I get busy with things I have to do, my brain will squirm like a bored toddler and suggest stupid hobby stuff instead. I waste a lot of energy arguing with myself that I don’t need a pedal powered landspeeder, don’t have room to store one, even if I knew what to make it out of, and the steering would be a real issue, though I guess we could knock up a variant of rack and pinion and…

This is how I get into trouble.

Right now it’s pretty bad because I have a suit of Clone Armour (From The Bad Batch, coming soon to Disney +) that needs a complete overhaul. I have a dalek that needs surfacing work, and a ton of electronics. I have a helmet I’ve started for Mrs Dim, the first costume she’s expressed interest in wearing, and there’s loads more to do on that. Oh, and I started a rough project to build a Hollow Knight mask for my youngest Weasel.

All of which means, along with my day job and the paid writing work, that I have plenty to do, thanks very much Brain.

So a couple of weeks ago my brain started sketching out ideas for a new juggling box (see the illustration at the top.)

I know the kit I need for the kind of show I do these days, so I made a list and began to imagine the box I would need to hold it all. Since I didn’t have any way to measure the clubs and stuff, I used Z as the length of the clubs, and X as the depth, and Y as the width of all five of them together. All the other parts of the box would be measured in relation to those distances.

Don’t worry if none of this makes sense, it’s just what I do to keep my brain happy.

After a couple of weeks, it became clear that my brain wasn’t going to let go of this one. Never mind that I haven’t had an actual juggling gig in over a year, never mind that there’s nothing wrong with the kit transport that I have now. Oh no, we must make a box, my precious, and it must be very, very complex!

I bought wood. I wanted to buy piano hinges as well, but obviously they don’t make those the right length. In fact, of all the things I went to buy at Home Depot, the only bits I actually found there were the wood (2ftX2ft project panels) and some all-purpose tool holders that were going to be used to clip the clubs into place inside the box.

I didn’t photograph the early stages because it went very quickly and I didn’t have any hands free. First, construct a box with all the correct dimensions. Check those dimensions very, very carefully. Get corners as close to 90 degrees as possible. Then very, very, VERY carefully, cut all around the middle of the box, and really, really hope you picked the right side to start. Then, cut one of those pieces in half on the other dimension. Now, go look in that box of hinges and see if you can find four the same.

Ok, well, are there two the same?


Are there another two that are the same as each other?

Ok then. Put two hinges on each side, and now you have a box that opens along a central seam! I put the tool holders in place in the back and the clubs fitted in as if I had measured. (Which I had. Again and again.)

This would have been a good place to stop. I had achieved something, and my brain was a little surprised. Maybe it would have left it at that, but now my confidence strode to the fore and said “This is JUST the beginning!”

Because there’s more than clubs, right? You saw the list I made. By putting in guard rails on either side, and little restraining rails on the bottom, I could put juggling knives in one side and fireclubs in the other, swinging out like some magical thing!

I also made a box to sit on the top that would hold all the juggling balls.

And this was good, and I was happy, but then a little voice spoke up from the back of my mind and said “Er, excuse me, but where does the diabolo go? And the diabolo handsticks? And the devil sticks, come to that. Also, the front swings open, weren’t you going to design some fancy closing mechanism that would ALSO hold the juggling rings?

Reader, I switched off the lights and left the workshop.

But a few days later I was back at it again, because my wretched brain could see POTENTIAL. This might actually be GOOD and IMPRESSIVE and lots of other concepts that really shouldn’t matter to me now that I am nearly forty nine and living on a different continent from most of the people who made me feel inadequate as a human being.

I shifted the knives over to the same side as the fireclubs, because there’s room for both and then they rattle less, and that made space for the diabolo and both sets of handsticks on the right.

The Devil Stick itself was too tall for the box. I didn’t want to cut holes in anything, so I bolted a small plastic holder to the bottom of the right hand side, and the last of my general purpose tool holders to the top. Click!

Now for the front. I cut a couple of blocks to the curve of the juggling rings, then glued them on either side of the front doors. Then I cut a couple of square blocks that were larger and glued them on those blocks. Now the rings would hook in on these blocks and sit snug, holding the doors closed!

I also dug out a small pair of wheels for the back and some rotating castors for the front. Now the front doors could swing open easily.

And that’s where I am now. The voices in my head have subsided a bit, apart from the one saying the box of balls needs to be secured to the main box, and the whole thing should be edged with veneer to hide the screws and then lacquered a deep honey gold. Oh, and there should be some sort of handle to pull the thing along. And where am I going to put the poi? And what about the buckets for the magic bucket trick?

I don’t know why zombies want brains. They’re nothing but trouble.

Project 150 – it’s all gone horribly wrong.

So, less than three months ago, I mentioned that I was setting my goal low so I could keep on track. I recounted the story of the blogger who introduced his grand plan with a fanfare and vanished without trace. January and February were a breeze, with me accumulating enough of a word count to put me a month ahead.

Chapter one and two rolled out just fine – as long as you keep the maxim “Write the first draft for yourself” in mind. This was not great literature, but even refined, reworked and rewritten, it’s never going to be that.

But then March arrived and the shutters came down. It’s been a busy time for many weird and regular reasons (birthdays, pandemic, day job, driving lessons and building a new patio), and every time I grabbed five minutes to try and push up the word count total, I realised I wasn’t sure what came next in the story. As a life-long pantser, I’m used to working without a plan. I used Rachel Aaron’s advice and planned each scene I was going to be writing before kicking off, and I thought I had a general outline in mind, but I actually hadn’t worked through the whole story.

Let me explain: I hate it when characters do something stupid or out of character to move the plot along. I have a main character called Eddie, and he wants to A: rid his city of zombies and B: Keep the folks who have gathered around him alive. To make Eddie’s life harder, a convoy of military types have come into the city to resupply. Eddie wants them to join his band and help with the rebuild, but he’s worried they will just take over. The guy in charge of the convoy is tiring of the hit and run life, and Eddie’s fenced kingdom is just the safe compound he’s been looking for.

And so, chapter three is the time to start all the maneuvering, right? Except, I find I have no idea what happens next. I mean, sure Eddie and his friends have retreated to their secondary safe zone, so the convoy can’t target them, or threaten them. That’s good. The convoy are likely to find the kingdom and move in, and Eddie isn’t going to risk an armed confrontation to try and re-take the place. I set up a nice Chekhov’s gun situation with a zombie trap that allows Eddie to get hundreds of zombies off the streets and contained. If he was the right kind of protagonist, it would be some kind of poetic for him to use that stored army of undead to over-run the convoy.

But he wouldn’t. Eddie hates zombies, and wants to be rid of them. he doesn’t want ANYONE else turned into a zombie, even if they’re bad guys. And the convoy people aren’t exactly bad guys, they’re just living a different post-apocalyptic lifestyle.

So I’m two chapters in and I have written myself into a corner. Nothing’s going to change in the current situation unless Eddie acts out of character, or the convoy does something that doesn’t make sense, like abandon the kingdom, or ignore it completely.

Despite having hit my word count targets for the first three months, I have to throw everything out, and sit down and plot the whole thing. And this time, do it right. Good job I’ve finished building the patio.

Book blog – March 2021

This is a brief book blog post, as I’m going to try and write about three books that I absolutely loved this month. I say “try and write” because it feels like I never quite say all the things I want to about the books I love (and I don’t review the books I didn’t like, because the author doesn’t need to hear my negativity, and it might not have been a book meant for me. Yes, it could also be a BAD book, but that’s often a subjective thing.)

So, to begin : Remote Control by Nnedi Okorafor.

I’ve read the first Binti book, and I was enthralled. People have advocated for voices other than “old, white, male” in Sci-Fi for years, and this is why. A different grounding, a different perspective, a different experience, all these things come through in a story of a future that is only semi-familiar. Language is used differently (from my experience, obviously) and the locations are not the tired old usual suspects of New York and London. I haven’t been to the African continent at all, and my education (in a comprehensive in the South East of the UK in the 1980’s) was not packed with either the history or the geography of that assembly of nations. We did once discuss Ouagadougou in a geography lesson, but I could not have pointed it out on a map even then.

Remote Control reads like mythology that has grown together with sci-fi. The central character, Sankofa, is described as the “adopted daughter of Death” and it felt to me like a tale from long ago, like an Anansi story (something I learned about from an older, white Sci-fi writer, of course…). But she is this way because of an alien artifact. Her mission is something she has assigned herself, not something that has been ordained for her, but it’s no less onerous for that.

The characters are real, and they move through environments that come alive through the pages. I’ve never seen these places, but I could feel them as I read. The story is short, but satisfying, even as it ends with a setup that could lead to future tales.

I’ve been following Sarah Gailey on Twitter for quite a while (and if you haven’t read “River of Teeth, what the heck are you doing HERE? Go get it now, cowboys on Hippos in the American Wild West? GO, GO, GO!) so when I saw this book pop up on the “Just Ordered” section of the library, I was intrigued. This didn’t seem like traditional Gailey Fare. After all, the last one I read was “Magic for Liars” about a detective investigating a murder in a magic school.

But then you read the summary and discover this is about a scientist who discovers the woman her husband left her for is a clone of herself – moreover, a clone conditioned to be more compliant, using techniques the scientist herself has pioneered. I don’t want to talk too much about the plot, because the twists are awesome, I didn’t see ANY of them coming, and they’re beautifully done. But here’s what I thought when reading the first chapter.

Reading literary fiction, I compared it to wine: There’s a whole industry around analysing it, teasing out the ingredients and influences, and some people love it, and some don’t. Also, like LitFic, every time I try wine, it’s worse than I expected, I can’t understand the appeal, and I’m left with a nasty taste in my mouth.

Most of the stuff I read is like craft beer. Not as lofty as the Wine Set, but still requiring skill to create with the correct ingredients. Some of it doesn’t hit the spot, the way those oddballs who add fruit flavours to beer don’t really know what they’re doing, but in the main, I like my pint relatively simple but well-made. It’s not a can of Bud Lite, is my point.

But reading “The Echo Wife” felt like sipping brandy, or a good rum (both of which I have done in my time, with a cumulative four years of bartending in my past). Maybe port is the better comparison, since I drink that more enthusiastically than the other two. The whole thing felt rarefied, distilled, and utterly perfected. Not as pretentious as some new red wine from somewhere, but something with the weight of experience and craft behind it. Just breathtaking, beautiful writing.

Anna Meriano has written the “Love Sugar Magic” series, about which I know nothing, but I am sure I have seen mention of it on Twitter (where I spend more time than is healthy, obviously.) I picked up “This is how we fly” because my family and I went to the Quidditch Global Games when it was held here in Burnaby back in 2014, and I wrote about it here:

This is a story set in the real world (and having read Anna Meriano’s bio, it’s a world she is VERY familiar with), so the Quidditch played is on the ground, and while it’s important, it’s not the plot. The real story is Ellen’s struggle to get through the last summer before she starts college, as friends from High School drift away, and her home life becomes even more stressful. I admit I had more sympathy for Ellen’s stepmom than Ellen did, because she makes the very good point that she should not be the only one cooking, and cleaning and taking care of the kids (Ellen has a younger stepsister) but she also doesn’t try to accommodate or remember Ellen’s veganism, is suspicious of Ellen’s political activist views, and is also more than a little homophobic. Since I have three kids, one of whom is non-binary, I’m familiar with Ellen’s frustration with accepting the status quo, with inaction over climate change, over the abuse of trans folx, the refusal to accept all kinds of love, all identity choices as valid (and the use of the word “choice” there is a whole other conversation too, obviously – some things you don’t choose, you just are.) The fact the book manages to fit all these issues in without every one of them reading like a lecture is proof that the story has been worked on hard, for a long time – the author mentions six years of redrafting in the excellent notes at the end. It’s a great story, well told, and while some of the teen antics are painful to read, the resolution is right, fitting and realistic. The book even mentions the issue of appreciating Quidditch as a sport for all while acknowledging the problems around the original Harry Potter Franchise, thanks to JK’s anti-trans sentiments of late (and the other things that have come out about characters in the books and the latest round of movies.)

I borrow a lot of books from the library, because I’m there every day. It’s still rare to get three in a row that are a pleasure to read from cover to cover. I have no problem with recommending these three books.

Road block ahead.

I knew when I started this Project 150 that there could be trouble ahead. The biggest sign was me making a blog post about it saying “Hey, this is going to be so easy that there’s no way it could go wrong.”

Naturally, this last month has been filled with all kinds of distractions and impediments. It’s part of the Great Birthday Roll, where a member of the family has a birthday every month between February and June, so there’s gifts and things to be arranged. Spring has arrived, so the activity in the garden has ramped up too:

New raised beds made, installed on solid footings and then filled with topsoil.

Finally, and the one that’s put the most railway ties across my writing, has been the paid work. If I have paid work in the hopper, I feel I have to do that first, because this Project 150 story MAY, eventually, make it out there as an e-book, but each script I appraise brings in more than total e-book sales for a year. This does NOT mean I make a great deal from each appraisal. It means I sell very, very few e-books, at very low prices.

So the outrageous pace of writing that kicked off the New Year so well has slowed, and slowed and finally stopped. Worst of all, I have written myself into a corner.

I had a plan, see. Eddie and his folks in the Kingdom would be content, but overworked. they need more living people to help get the crops going and clear out the zombies to make a life, rather than just surviving. Then a military-style convoy rolls in, but these guys aren’t interested in homesteading, just grabbing supplies and heading out again. Eddie goes and talks to them, and the head guy DOES want the convoy to settle down, but Eddie gets the distinct impression that these people will NOT integrate well. In fact, he may just be looking at his new military overlords. This does not sit well with Eddie, so he gets the word out to evacuate the kingdom, making the folks hard to find and enslave.

But Eddie doesn’t want to fight the convoy people. I’ve got this story to a point where the good guys are hiding from the bad guys and it might just stay that way for the foreseeable future. What could make the convoy people change their smash and grab ways, and choose to live in peace with the folks of the kingdom? If Eddie isn’t going to outfight the convoy, how can he outwit them? I’ve always told myself that my characters aren’t going to do anything stupid, but right now that means they’re all being sensible and nothing is happening.

I have a week’s holiday coming up in a few days. Sometimes, when holiday approaches, I imagine I’ll have time to sit and write, but I’m being realistic this time. The kids will be around the house, the laundry will still need doing, and Mrs Dim needs to be taken places and entertained so she doesn’t go mad. Plotting Eddie is way, way down the list. Looks like March might close out without any more progress.

Diving back into books

Working for a library is THE BEST JOB. I’ve been lucky enough to work for my local library since 2013, and I’ve loved every minute. Working in circulation (on the desk where you actually check the books out to people) was a lot of fun. You get to talk to people about books and reading every day, which is a great way to get and give recommendations. You get to SEE thousands of books every shift, but the majority are going out with the people you’re helping.

These days I work in the Home Library department, taking library materials out into the community, to people who can’t get to the library. Since Covid, we’re naturally taking extreme precautions, wearing PPE, and dropping the materials off at doorsteps in paper bags instead of going in. The added advantage of Home Library work is that I have a certain amount of time at my desk every day, with time to check through the catalogue – it helps when patrons ask me about specific authors or books if I know what’s coming out.

All this is a roundabout introduction to say that (like a lot of people, I suspect) the amount of reading I can manage each month fluctuates wildly. In February my appetite flared, coinciding with a sudden influx of my reserves coming in. (I posted pictures of four of the books at the head of this post).

I kicked off with Charles Soule’s “Light of the Jedi”. This is the first book about the new Star Wars era, the High Republic. I’ve been a Star Wars fan for decades, and I enjoyed the opening of the book very much, but the size of my To Be Read pile meant I picked up some of my other tomes at the same time.

“Laziness Does Not Exist” is a non-fiction book by Devon Price Phd. Since I’ve consistently described myself as lazy for years, I was keen to see what the thrust of the book was. Reading non-fiction is harder on my brain, but it’s nicely written, with plenty of personal experiences to illustrate the points. It’s mostly looking at the culture of work in the US, where vacation and sick leave seem to be regarded as signs of weakness. I liked the way the book presents the idea that we use “lazy” as a pejorative, even when we’re discussing behaviours that aren’t driven by sloth or a lack of application.

Charlaine Harris is best known for her Sookie Stackhouse books, but recently released the third in a series about Gunnie Rose. I had missed the first when it came out, so now I grabbed all three at once and ended up devouring the first book “An Easy Death” in a single night. The books are set in an alternate America, where Roosevelt has been assassinated, and the country is divided up between Britain, Canada, Mexico, the fleeing Russian Royal Family who have set up the Holy Russian Empire, and Dixie (the Southern States), as well as New America. The pacing is great, the characters are interesting, and what I liked was that, while things are hard on the protagonist, she’s competent at what she does, and the odds never overwhelm her. I’m now a quarter of the way through the second book. (*edit* I took a couple of days to finish this post, and I have now read all three Gunnie Rose books. Go do the same. Right now.)

I’ll get back to “The Light of the Jedi” very soon – Charles Soule is an excellent writer, and the new era is full of interesting characters and tense situations. The reason I was able to put it aside was knowing that this book sets up the whole High Republic Era storyline, so we’re moving from a period of stability into conflict. So, bad things happen, and sometimes they happen to good people. Like I intimated above, I’m not great at enjoying the misery of protagonists, even when it’s essential to the plot. But, because it’s been a couple of days since I started writing this post, I now have another non-fic to bounce off too.

Hope your “To Be Read” pile is as engaging as mine has been!

Project 150 February round up

I didn’t want to do two Project 150 blog entries in a row, but the book review post I was going to do has slipped because I’m enjoying the book so much. Maybe next week?

So, a long time ago, when I was looking at other blogs regularly to try and boost my readership (and therefore my sales), I found a playwright’s blog that essentially began :

“Welcome, friends! I am starting out on a project to write an epic play based on Greek Mythology. I have decided to chronicle my journey here on this blog, and I invite you to come along with me, as I research, and write my new play!”

That was the only entry. It was a year old when I found it. And I had sympathy for the author, because starting is easy. One of the main reasons I picked 150 words as the daily target is because it isn’t intimidating.

And yet.

I don’t write every day. Not even my 150 words. February has been a good month for paid work (YAY!), but if someone’s paying me up front, that means I do that work ahead of anything else.

Despite this, I have managed a few episodes of writing on the 150 project, and since 150 words isn’t much, in those sessions I have managed to keep ahead of the word count I would have reached if I’d stuck to my goals. Does that make sense? Well, here’s the numbers.

Right now, the project stands at 13,433 words, which is very nearly where I should be at the end of March. I still have a month in hand, so to speak. I have to work harder on outlining, because for a while I was just having fun amusing myself while the plot dribbled away to nothing, but that’s something I can handle.

So, hello March! I’m not afraid of you, because I have gotten ahead of myself.

Project 150 : The plan and the reality

2020 wasn’t a great year for productivity (and I’m fairly confident it wasn’t just me.) I start almost every year with the determination to be more organised, write more, write better, use my down time more productively…. And yet, usually by this time of the new year, I fall short of my high aspirations.

This year was going to be different, like all the other years were. For one thing, I wasn’t listing the projects I was going to do – no page in my journal saying “2 one-acts, 5 sketches and a full-length by July”. Madness, they say, is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. Well, not this time!

Zurg Buzz GIF - Zurg Buzz Lightyear - Discover & Share GIFs

I thought about the times I had written long fiction – Eddie and the Kingdom, or Tribute. Each had come out somewhere around 50,000 words, and been pretty much ok. I wanted to do that again, but the conditions were very different. Back then, I was going to Ringette practices, to violin lessons, and I would have time to kill alone with my laptop.

So I took the total number of words I was looking to write and divided them by the number of days in the year.

50000/365 = about 137.

I was surprised. I only had to write 137 words a day? What does that look like? Well, this is what 150 words looks like:

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I could easily write 150 words a day, right? So I began project 150. I wrote a quick outline of the first couple of chapters of the sequel to Eddie and the Kingdom. Writing is easier if you know WHAT you’re writing. Pantsing can be fun, but I’ve found int he past I write myself into corners that way.

I soon found that 150 words a day is not only easy, it’s REALLY easy. Before long I had passed my goal for the whole of January. This meant that, on a couple of days off work, when I didn’t get to write what I wanted, I did not feel guilty. This is huge.

So, here I am, on the 26th of January, with 8,003 words in the bank. I’m planning to keep going, because 150 words is really, really doable.

The final Chapter of the Lit Fic Zombie Novel

The Final chapter of a Lit Fic Zombie Novel, written by a Professor of Creative Writing at Goomfloof University. “No, I haven’t read any other Zombie novels, I don’t read *genre* my good man. All MY novels have to have ‘A Novel” on the cover, so people don’t mistake them for eggplants or Shower curtains.”

Chapter 45

The great atrium of the library should have been silent. It should have been heavy with the enforced noiselessness of the intellect at work, the mental mastication of centuries of written wisdom. Instead, the mindless masses pounded their brainless fists against the ancient oak doors, their only thoughts of filling remorseless stomachs, of consuming life as theirs had already been consumed.

Samson glanced at the doors.

-theyll be through in no time.

Finolla picked up a chair.

-Ill be ready for them when they do.

Once again Oscar blew out a huge sigh. The aged, but still handsome, professor clearly resented his role as the sole voice of reason, but he had long ago become accustomed to the fact that his was the  only intellect capable of wrestling with the onslaught of vapidity that ran amok in the modern world.


He said

-you won’t find the answers to our problems in that catalogue. And Finolla, your poor chair will be no defence against the horde when they break down that door.

The other two survivors gazed at him in wonder as he stood up from his seat. Though he was very nearly six feet tall, he looked taller in these last moments of humanity. Perhaps it was his towering genius that leant him height, perhaps just a trick of the afternoon sunlight slanting through dustmotes to strike his elegant grey hair. He paused for a moment, looking at Finolla and remembering all those grad students who had fallen in love with him during the course of his educational career. Those poor children, who may have been blessed with the bodies of athletes and dancers, but whose semi-formed minds could never hope to keep his affections, let alone his attention. Each one had to be regretfully put aside, and they would inevitably “report” him for “sexual assault” or “stalking”. Well, those days were behind him now. He faced his two companions again.

-that mob out there won’t be impressed by violence. They won’t respond to reasoned argument. There’s no secret escape route hidden in these books for you to find, samson.

Samson looked close to tears. Finolla too, turned her back. Probably trying to suppress her attraction to the professor.

-well then professor

Asked Samson

-what can we do.

The professor smiled. As always, the solution that was so simple to him completely eluded the others around him. Only his mind could slice through the foliage of the nonsensical world to the path of truth.

-it’s simple, my friends. Those creatures lack intellect, while we can still think. We won’t overpower them from without, but if we absorb as much knowledge as we can, our very mind will overcome theirs from within. They may take our physical beings from us, but our mental processes will take them over.

The two exchanged looks.

-really professor?

Asked Finolla, ever the skeptic. He smiled, beneficently.

-of course, my dear. Here, a first course for your mental meals. I happened to have these with me.

He passed them copies of his own first book ‘The Garden of Aritosthenes’, a brilliant but overlooked work that laid bare the essence of the modern male and his role in society despite the vicissitudes of the cruel “feminist” movement. He took his own, well-worn copy from a pocket and read again the dedication he had written to himself in the front of the book. He smiled again and together, they turned the first page as the first sounds of splintering came from the doors.

When they broke, they would not be letting hunger in, but letting genius out.

Word of mouth

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Wikipedia

The first Sci-Fi I ever remember reading was The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. It made a huge impression on me, to the extent that I bought a version of Ford Prefect’s bag to take to school, and made sure I always had a towel in it. Luckily, since I was only about ten, and there were only fifty kids in my whole school, this wasn’t an issue.

In the book, technology is accessible. Eddie, the shipboard computer, has a personality and responds to voice commands. He doesn’t always respond by carrying out those commands, but he hears and understands them. Around the same time, we got a Cheetah Sweet Talker module for our BBC Micro B, and we could make it talk!

If you watch the above video, you’ll see that the Sweet Talker was very basic tech, and we had to tell it what to say. Getting the computer to respond to a query was possible, but it would only be a response that you had programmed in. And to a query that you typed.

Many years later, I had a PC running Windows. Somewhere in there was the Windows Speech Recognition system. I still wanted a voice responsive computer, but the most common thing I wanted to ask for was for it to play my music, to skip a song I didn’t want, or to pause when the phone rang. I couldn’t get the system to START the music player, and once the music was playing, the computer didn’t seem to be able to hear me to ask it to pause the music.

All this was brought to mind last week, when I had an issue at work and went to ask Terry to sort it out. (Because Terry CAN sort things out, that’s why. Every office has a Terry.) He had to send an email, and was irritated by the fact that he had to type it out by hand.

“Wish this computer had Siri.” he muttered, “Then I could just dictate this.”

I was a bit amazed. As a writer, naturally I have tried dictation as a method for getting the stupid words out of my head and onto the screen. Sadly, as soon as the little microphone icon goes red to show it’s listening, my head goes blank, and the screen starts filling up with “er…once…er. I mean… Hang on… No. No. Stop. Delete. Delete. How do you stop this?” I once spent ten minutes yelling at my PC because I kept saying “it” and the software kept writing “Eat” or “at”. It sounded like a Monty Python sketch by the end, with my trying every phonetic variation to try and get the computer to understand me.

You used to train the computer to understand your voice. There were some paragraphs you had to read that contains the most common phonemes. I remember an episode of “The Archers” where someone is trying to raise some money, and naturally they decide to become an author (because that’s where the big money is, right?). They’re no typist, so they get dictation software and spend ages reading it “Winnie the Pooh” stories to train it. Trouble is, when they’re reading, they use a BBC “Alexandra Palace” voice, but dictate in their regular voice.

Direct voice dictation didn’t work for me. The myriad mistakes meant that any time saved on typing was more than used up in editing. For a time, the only thing that I could operate by voice was the function to switch off the computer (but only if I said “switch off” not “turn off” or “shut down”). Last month, I found this had been removed by Microsoft.

Despite the rude things I said about streaming services last year, we went ahead and got Spotify services. (Spock’s rule from Wrath of Khan applies here.) You would think that a system designed to be used with stuff like the Google Home Spying Device would actually work well with voice activation, wouldn’t you? Well, you’d be wrong. I can’t ask for specific songs by artists. Well, I can, but I can get anything from completely different songs by other artists, to recipes. Seriously – I ask the thing to play me a specific song, and it gives me a recipe instead. Is it my English accent? Since I traveled south at age 7, I have a boring RP accent, and yet the Google Always Listening In Case You Want To Buy Something can’t tell Taylor Swift from Ed Sheeran.

Incidentally, if you say “OK Google, I forbid you to play any Ed Sheeran song ever again” it will reply “Ok. Playing Ed Sheeran on repeat.” Or that’s what it says to ME, anyway.

I’ve whinged before about Microsoft deciding that the PC is their tool for monitoring you, not your tool for doing work, and this is another symptom. Voice recognition is something people expect – you see it depicted in movies, tv shows and comics all the time. We want to talk to our devices in a naturalistic way, and have them respond. But the companies behind them don’t want that. If they did, you’d be able to rename your Alexa, your Google Home, and have it respond to a name of your choosing. It would learn how you speak. It would get the bloody song right, and never play Ed Bloody Sheeran when I’m in the room.

Maybe there’s a brighter future ahead, where I can ask the tv to just find the movie I want, or tell the coffee pot I want coffee at 7am. Right now, I doubt it.